34 dating mistakes that are easily avoidable
This article takes on a different perspective to cover the top 34 mistakes that many people make in dating. Some of the mistakes people are either embarrassed to talk about it, or simply don't realize it's not a good idea to do. This article uses many generalizations (if women are guilty of doing something more than men or vice versa), so please don't take offense. You don't have to agree with everything, but read with an open mind.
This article was written after interviewing various people from different walks of life (from young to old) about the subject of dating. Data was gathered and then conclusions were made and summarized based off these interviews. A broad spectrum of dating mistakes is covered in this article; from people who are beginning to date to people pursuing serious relationships. This is not to say that this article is 100% accurate for everyone. There are always exceptions and circumstances. You must make your own choices in life, but keep your mind open to at least some of these suggestions.
The mistakes were written in descending degree of "worseness" with the number one worst dating mistake appearing at the end of the article. Without a doubt, some of the mistakes mentioned many people would probably rank lower or higher, but the important thing to focus on is to take many of these simple concepts to heart and think about them for yourself, as they could truly save you heartaches in the future of dating.
You may also give this valuable article lessons to teenagers if they are mature enough to handle the wisdom it contains. It will save them pain and hassle as well. I'm sure there are many more mistakes that could be mentioned, but from various interviews and one-on-one sessions with many people, these seem to be the ones that made the greatest impact on people's lives on an emotional and physical level.
Mistake # 34: Going out to a traditional restaurant on the first date.
Instead of going to a traditional restaurant, go to a pizza parlor or another casual eating place. This won't require you to dress up to impress. You can be yourself and not have to purchase an expensive outfit to impress someone on a superficial level. You also won’t feel uncomfortable eating in front of your date. In general, people don't feel comfortable eating too much in front of their dates, especially a huge restaurant meal. In particular, most women are uncomfortable doing this (whether she is supermodel skinny or obese), and won't barely touch their food.
It creates too much tension and tension on a date is bad. Some more ideas of casual food eateries (besides pizza) you can go to are ice cream shops, soft pretzel shops, or any type of food shop that is “hands on” is ideal. You may be thinking these kinds of foods may be threatening to females since they are viewed as fattening foods, but they present a less threatening way of eating them because of the casual atmosphere.
For example, in an ice-cream shop, you can put ice-cream in a cup or waffle bowl and eat with a spoon. Simple, tasty, and you don’t have to pace yourself (assuming you’re not eating outside in extremely hot weather where it could melt quickly). Generally, in these casual types of places, there is a much less likely chance that you will try to go overboard to make a good (but phony) first impression or dress to impress. You are more likely to just be yourself. After a couple of dates, you can then go to a restaurant without a problem. But for the first few, stick to casual places.
It’s important to tell your date that you both will be going out to a casual eatery prior to the date. The reason for this is that it'll indicate the kind of mood and environment that is going to be experienced. This will be less nerve-racking for your date and yourself, as opposed to going to a restaurant. Remember: The more tensions created, the more people will feel as if they have to make a good impression, which is just a phony act that should be avoided at all costs, especially if the relationship is going to become a long term investment.
Mistake # 33: Going to the movies on the first date.
It looks appealing done in movies, but the reality is that going to the movies on a first date is wrong on many different levels. Dating is done so you can get to know the person and see if you can connect with them. When you go to the movies, you're sitting in a dark (and sometimes noisy) area where some kid behind you is kicking your seat or with other distractions. And most importantly, you both will be looking at a screen without an ounce of talking. You are wasting time that you could spend talking and connecting with your date! Instead, you will be staring at a screen for an hour and a half or more sipping on soda wondering what your date is thinking.
On top of that problem, what if the movie is terrible? There won't be much to talk about afterwards and everything could be awkward because you haven't actually connected with your date. Or the worst case scenario could happen: You may love the movie and your date may hate it, or vice versa. This completely ruins the date, kills the mood, and you will come to realize that it all has really been a waste of time. So ditch the idea of going to the movies. If you really want to see a movie, wait for it to come in the video store, or catch a matinee and watch it by yourself or with a friend.
Mistake # 32: Group dates.
Group dates are bad ideas. A common scenario that happens more frequently than you may think is the person you like will take interest in the other person on the group date. If you're going to take someone on a date with a group of friends, you need to take the initiative to make sure you have quality “alone time” with your date of interest. People generally do the group date scenario when they're afraid to ask the person out and they end up on a date where the other person has no idea it was a date until it’s almost time to go home!
This will set you up for failure and create extreme awkwardness. And if you get no alone time with your date, it’s very similar to the going to the movies mistake mentioned earlier. If a woman is reluctant to go on a date with you alone because she doesn’t know you well enough yet, an easy solution for that is for both of you to meet in areas where people are around in a casual atmosphere.
Mistake # 31: The pay rules.
Who should pay on the date? There are many different opinions to this question. The worst thing you can do is ask the person, while on the date, who should pay for the date! It looks very tacky and destroys the mood. Remember that going on casual dates is the best idea. This will also help in not making the date become too expensive. There are two really good options you may choose from. The first option is for each partner to pay for their own selves. This way there are no strings attached.
On the other hand, you don’t want your date to think that you are a cheapskate. If you anticipate that you want to be more serious with the person in a committed relationship, then whoever asked the other person on a date should pay. So, if a woman asked a man out on a date, then she should pay. Or, vice-versa. It would be tacky for someone to ask you out and then expect you to pay. To briefly recap, the two main options are for each date to pay for their selves, or for the person who asked the other person on a date to pay for both. The choice is yours depending on the circumstance.
Mistake # 30: Music
Without realizing it, some people know right away by the other person’s music collection if they want to pursue them beyond friendship. Even if that person has lots of music the other person loves, all it takes is to see one kind of CD or music that the other person hates to turn you off from them. Many people judge people by the type of music they listen to.
This is not to say that you both must love the same exact music in order for the relationship to work out. There are two main things to remember when it comes to music. The first one is to never try to push a certain type of music on your date to listen to, if they don’t like that kind of music.
It’s an immediate turn off for many. The second concept to remember is to not have a CD in the player of your car and to put away CD’s out of your car. You just never know if the music you listen to may offend the other person. The song doesn’t necessarily have to contain vulgar language to offend someone. The song can simply remind them of a bad experience in their life, which could kill the mood for the date. Besides, you’re didn’t go on the date to listen to music, but to get to know the other person better.
Before picking up a date, tune in to a classical music station and turn it off. The reason for this is if you get an awkward and long silence in the car (and if you have a long way to drive to your destination); you can offer to turn the radio on. Classical music usually contains few words spoken (unless it’s opera or classical singing), so this way you can still engage in conversation. Plus, the music is calming and soothing.
Mistake # 29: Wearing expensive, attention-grabbing clothing, accessories, or jewelry.
This does not mean that you should wear raggedy and dingy looking clothing. The main thing to remember is that you don’t want to “dress to impress.” Don’t wear expensive clothing, jewels, watches, shoes, etc on the first date at least. Keep everything casual. The reason for this is that it opens the door for superficiality to come along. Some people fall in “love” with the way people dress or think he or she has a lot of money by the kind of things they own. If you do have expensive items like these, it’s best to play down your wealth.
This way you are more likely to attract people who like who you are and not your car or bank account. It’s like some people chose the wardrobe and persona/image over the actual person and their character buried underneath this “costume.” At the same time, you want to dress with your usual causal style. Just don’t go overboard. And definitely don’t try to fit an image because you think your date will like you more for it. Be yourself and stick to your style of dressing, playing down anything that will scream wealth to someone.
Mistake #28: Don't date someone who is a jerk to service industry workers and other people.
If someone treats someone else very poorly, do you actually believe they will treat you well? You can tell the most about someone’s character and personality by the way they treat and talk about other people. Obviously if you both have been waiting at a table for thirty minutes without a waitress, you need to alert the service industry workers and will be upset. But, if a waitress (or waiter) is very busy and forgot to bring an extra fork and your date screams, gives rude looks, and says disrespectful remarks, this is a red flag.
Mistake #27: Physical deceptions and makeup woes.
Although men don’t usually have to worry about the makeup woes, be sure to still remain true to how you look. For example, don’t wear a wig if you are balding, lifts to seem taller, colored eye contact lenses, or any other “surprises” to impress your date. Short-term she may be impressed, but if the relationship turns serious, she will be disappointed with whom you really are. This doesn’t make it right, but it helps to ensure that the person likes you for who you are, not who you pretend to be (or look like).
While looks shouldn’t be the highest precedence on the dating list, the reality is they are important to some degree. You have to be attracted to the person in some way. Women should avoid a "caked-on" face as it’ll most likely worry your date. He could be wondering how does she look without it on. Or, your date could be in "love" with your look, but when all the makeup is off, he may lose interest. How to work with makeup truly does depend on the woman's features. Evaluate your facial features to see if you find yourself in one of these three scenarios.
Scenario # 1: After you or someone else does your makeup you look like a million dollars. But without makeup, you could pass for a totally different person. For people like this, it is best to avoid makeup on dates. You may think you'll be doing a favor to yourself, but sooner or later, if the relationship works out, your date will see you without makeup. If he is totally disgusted with what he sees and calls of the relationship because of it, you've wasted your time and will feel really bad inside too. Instead, the best option is to find someone who loves the way you look without any makeup on, as the “surprise” may ruin the relationship in the long term. Plus, you will feel more comfortable in the relationship without having to worry about if he sees you without makeup on.
Scenario # two: With or without makeup on, you look about the same. Some examples: You still have big almond shaped eyes with long curly eyelashes with or without makeup. Your full luscious lips don’t have to be “painted” on. Those defined cheekbones are there whether you contour your face with makeup or not. In this case, you obviously don't need much makeup to accentuate your features (maybe a little eyeliner to bring out the eyes and blush). The safest bet is to use a light touch if you decide to use makeup. Look in the mirror prior to putting on makeup and afterwards. If you see the same person looking back with just slightly more accentuated features, then you did fine.
Scenario # three: Without makeup you look mesmerizing. Similar with scenario number two, but the difference is when you put on makeup your features become over accented making you appear worse looking than what you really look like. Frankly, you look best without makeup, than with it on! Your best bet is to avoid makeup and focus on a nice hair-do to accentuate your facial features.
Mistake #26: Believing “Mr. or Ms. Perfect” exists.
The simple truth: No one is perfect. No matter how perfect someone may seem when you first meet them, or even after you spend some time with them for a while, he or she has flaws just like everyone else. Everyone has habits or a way of doing certain things that will annoy you or you may even hate. When looking for a serious relationship, just remember that it is going to be the negative aspects of the significant other’s personality that you will have to be able to accept that will determine whether the relationship lasts or not.
Mistake #25: Going to clubs to seek a serious relationship.
Some clubs are good for having fun and dancing, but bars and clubs are the last places you should go to find someone for a serious relationship. Most people in clubs know each other (and have most likely slept within the same circle) and aren’t looking for serious about long-term committed relationships. Generally, people go to bars for two main reasons; to drink alcohol and have one night stands. There are always exceptions, but the general rule of thumb is to not seek anyone to date seriously at a bar.
Mistake #24: Having bad breath when talking to someone you're pursuing.
No matter how good looking you are, blowing smelly breathe into someone’s face will make you seem unappealing. It will make you seem unhygienic also, even if you do brush and floss everyday. You don’t want to make a phony impression, but you don’t want to make a bad one at the same time. Make sure you brush your teeth twice a day and always have mints just in case you meet someone you would like to pursue. Very few people breathe is always smell free, even if they do brush, floss, and use mouth wash three times a day. So, it’s best to be prepared either way. Besides, do you think anyone would want to kiss you in the future if you have smelly breathe?
Mistake #23: Poor hygiene
Take a minute to picture your idea of the perfect looking boyfriend or girlfriend. Enjoy the lovely image. Now, picture that person trying to hug you with smelly armpits or a strong and repulsive body odor. Yuck! That’s all it would take to turn you completely away from the person, no matter how beautiful they are. Seriously, this may seem like common sense, but you would be surprised how many people don’t have good hygiene (particularly men).
This is one of the few things that can quickly turn you off to the person and never want to give them another chance. People will imagine living with you day by day suffering with the smell. And as for intimate relationships, that has a high probability of not happening. You don’t have to take ten showers a day and slather yourself with heavy cologne (which is just as bad as smelling from being unhygienic).
Basically, just shower or bathe and wear clean clothing frequently. If you shower frequently and still have strong body odor, this may be the result of your diet. Studies show that what you eat directly affects how you smell. Load your diet heavy in fresh fruits and green vegetables and decrease your intake of dairy and meat products.
This will help your body odor dramatically decrease, make your skin look younger and better, plus make you feel better. Just remember that smelly armpits and other strong body odors will leave a lasting impression on your date. He or she will probably never want to be near you again and have a judgmental opinion of you forevermore.
Mistake #22: Sexually suggestive comments towards your date.
Some people that are very attractive, somewhat charming, and have good line delivery can sometimes get away with making sexual comments to their dates. Even if you possess those qualities, doing too many of these kinds of comments will make you seem aggressive and you are bound not to get away with it. Could you imagine trying to talk to someone to get to know them better and they continuously reference how great certain areas of your body looks pleasing to him or her?
Generally, some men do this when they're younger to obtain sex, but if you’re looking for a serious relationship, it’s best to avoid it. Most women will think you’re there only for sex. If that is what you both are dating for, then it could work. But, if the person is looking for a serious relationship, she or he will simply be turned off by it and think you’re immature. Becoming aggressive with sexual comments will set the date off on the wrong path.
Mistake #21: Not being on the same page when it comes to finances.
This doesn’t mean to be shallow and only date people with a lot of money. However, if you are serious about money (investing in stocks, bonds, etc), don’t pursue a serious relationship with someone who will spend every single cent they get from a paycheck. Money is an important aspect of people’s lives whether they admit it or not. Being on the same page with someone financially adds more peace to your life. Just remember that one of the main reasons people divorce is from financial problems.
Mistake #20: Be wary of people who have severed relationships with their parents.
There are obliviously exceptions to this rule depending on the situation, but the general rule of thumb is that if they never mention their parents if they are still alive, or their parents refuse to talk to them, you may want to question why.
Mistake #19: Don’t fall for the “opposite attracts” trap.
Don't date a slob if you're a neat-freak, a cat person if you love dogs, a health nut if you're not, a vegetarian if you love meat, a gun-lover if you're a pacifist, an atheist if you are deeply religious, or any other combination of diametrically opposed principles. Yes, the contrast will add excitement for a while, but you'll just end up yelling at each other all the time.
Mistake #18: Don’t date a coworker.
The main reason for not dating a coworker is that if the relationship doesn’t work out, work will become extremely awkward and unpleasant. Work is the last place (which is the majority where you will spend a lot of your time) you want to feel awkward at!
Mistake #17: Don't date someone with an addiction.
To save yourself turmoil for the future, avoid pursuing people who are addicted to drugs, gambling, porn, etc. They're just going to lie about it and hide it from you, and you can't fix it for them. No one has the power to change people. Also, many people with deep-seated problems will not think twice about stealing from you. It’s best to steer them in the direction of a help group and leave.
Mistake #16: Don’t act like someone you are not.
Don’t create a dating deceit by acting like something you are not. It is tempting for people to put on shows for their dates, but the subtle danger is that if the relationship progresses there can be problems when the other person starts acting wildly different, and the person doesn’t know if the polite/flirty or the crazy/abusive person was the “real” person. It’s a huge mistake that will catch up to you; how many years can you maintain the lie?
You may have heard the common saying that people say, "He or she changed to a completely different person after we were married (or after a certain amount of time in a committed relationship).” What really happened is the person was maintaining an image or living a lie for a while to impress the other person or for some other reason. And at that point, he or she finally reverted back to who they really are.
Some women feel that when they catch their “prize” she is less compelled to keep maintaining the lie or image. This is like a trap and you will also get caught in it. No one wants to be duped and that is what it will feel like once they figure out how the lie worked to the other person’s favor. If you apply no other tips in this book but one, then remember to always be yourself. It may hurt in the beginning if the person doesn’t approve of who you are, but will save you turmoil down the road.
The bottom line is you can’t escape from who you are.
Mistake #15: Thinking that broken trust can ever be repaired.
People can forgive, but rarely forget, especially if the other partner cheated on them. The reality is that broken trust can rarely be repaired. Many people say they have forgiven their boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse for cheating, but will bring it back up if in an argument. For most cases, it’s best to call off the relationship. You're putting yourself through needless hardship and stress.
Mistake #14: NEVER get back together with someone you have broken up with.
It seems like the right thing to do, but for most people it never works out the second time. There is a reason people break up in the first place. And forget about it if one or both of the partners cheated. Even if you both want to try to make it work again and there was no cheating involved, there will most likely be arguments where the past will be brought up about the very issue that caused the first breakup. It’ll add further fuel to the fire. It’s best to move on, or to avoid serious relationships.
Dating mistake #13: Don’t date or have a long-term relationship with someone who uses sex as a weapon.
Some people (particularly women) use sex as a weapon and like a bargaining chip. For example, a woman may think, "You don't want to buy me the Mercedes Benz? Then, no sex for a few months…” It can easily turn into manipulation if you become dependent on sex from the other person. The easy solution is to completely break free of depending on it at all. It can cause you to get used and manipulated. If someone is using it as a weapon, break off the relationship. On the positive side, hopefully the person will learn a valuable lesson to not use it as a weapon anymore.
Mistake #12: Don’t date someone who is not completely over their ex-girlfriend or boyfriend.
If someone is hanging out or conversing with their ex, this is a major red flag! If a woman or man is not over their exes, they will probably go back to them, or cheat on you with them at some point. It is disrespectful to you as well. If your date mentions their ex-boyfriend or girlfriend at any point, be very wary and seriously question if you should pursue a serious relationship with him or her. Also, someone who isn’t over their ex at that point may have issues, or could be using you to try to get over him or her.
Mistake #11: Don’t date someone who is married or involved in another relationship with someone else.
No matter what excuse he or she may come up with (the wife or husband isn’t tending to their needs or they plan on getting a divorce soon), there is no justification for cheating! The rule of thumb to always remember is: If someone is going to cheat with you, they will definitely cheat on you.
Mistake #10: Not keeping a reality check when it comes to your relationship status.
Always look at the relationship for what it is, not what you wish for it to be. If the relationship is nothing but fighting and distrust, don't pretend that it’s something incredible and near-perfect just because you hope that someday she or he will snap out of it and finally love you for who you are. It doesn’t happen! You have to realize and more importantly accept that you don't come out a winner every time. It can be very difficult to do when you really wanted it to work out, but when the odds are stacked heavily against you and the girlfriend or boyfriend continues to stack more and more against you, it’s time to cut loose and go on with your life.
Mistake #9: Don’t sacrifice your goals or passions for anyone.
Never sacrifice your goals or passions for someone else-whether it’s related to school, weight loss, weightlifting, personal religious beliefs, job advancement, etc. If the person is pressuring you to give up your goals or passions, then sadly he or she just wants to see if they can get you to significantly alter your lifestyle just for them.
It’s a “power trip.” Unfortunately, it’s not like he or she is going to love you more for it. It’s not such a bad thing if your relationship will become stronger because of it, but it generally doesn’t happen that way. Sometimes, when women do this to men, they will probably boast to their friends about how she has you whipped and trained like a pet.
You may not regret it at that time, but years down the road, if you stay together with the person for a long time, you will resent them and yourself (for allowing it to happen). And if you have given up a passion or goal (to finish college or play piano) for many years, it will be very difficult to achieve the goal later on. It’s not impossible, but with working and if you decide to have a family at a later time, it will be incredibly stressful.
The simple truth is that if someone truly loves you, they would not try to hinder you from what you love to do. Think about this. I’m sure your parents have not taken interest in at least one passion or goal you have set for yourself in the past. Most parents would not try to stop their child from continuing their passion or achieving their goal if they see it’s something their child thoroughly enjoys because they love them and want to see them happy. The similar kind of concept should apply in a relationship.
Mistake #8: Kissing on the first date.
There are different opinions on whether kissing is considered an intimate act or not, however, it’s a good idea to avoid kissing at least on the first few dates. Kissing is a very intimate act as you’re engaging in body contact with the other person. Also, did you know that by kissing someone in the mouth, you are exchanging DNA with that person? Basically, every person you’ve kissed (and had sexual relationships with) DNA can be found in your body! So, it’s indeed a very personal act.
It is actually best to wait to even kiss someone (on the mouth) until you really know them. It takes time to get to know someone. They could have an STD and not know it for all you know. And if there are any open sores in his or her mouth, you could catch the STD. That may seem extreme, but it’s plausible.
Men usually go for kissing because they're hoping it will lead to something else. Women usually see it as affectionate as opposed to sexual. When people are young, it seems expected from both genders. You can’t go wrong by waiting until you know the person better before kissing them. Instead of kissing, no matter how ridiculous it may seem, stick to handshaking or a casual friendly hug.
Mistake #7: Mentioning marriage on the first date.
It is crucial to avoid mentioning marriage on the first date or even if you're still in the first year of the dating stage. It’s mostly women that make this mistake, but some men as well. This can scare people off, especially in the beginning. Plus, it's important to realize that whether dating someone a few times, or even for a few months, is not a good determining factor of whether they would make good wife or husband for you. You need to spend lots of time (preferably over a year) getting to know the person genuinely before even thinking about marriage.
You need to learn what their goals in life are, how they treat all kinds of people, how they feel about kids if you want to have them, good and bad habits, past history with exes or the law, hobbies, if they have any STD’s, and so many other factors that are important in marriage. Also, if after a long time (a year or more) a woman brings it up before the man, it goes to show that he was not genuinely thinking about marriage in the first place or at least to that particular woman. So, it would be a bad idea to marry someone who didn't have the intention of marrying you; it'll probably result in a bitter divorce.
Mistake #6: Bringing up ex boyfriends or girlfriends.
This habit seems to happen more with younger women, but both genders and people of all ages make the mistake. Once you break up with your exes, pretend as if they never existed. If you bring them up while on your date, there is a high probability that your date will think you’re very superficial, disrespectful, have excess emotional baggage, and have low character. Another thing women should think about is: Every time a woman mentions her ex boyfriend to her date, such as, "My ex (insert dialogue)," the date is really thinking of "The ex I used to sleep with (insert dialogue)."
The story can be completely innocent, but your date is most likely going to be thinking of your past sexual history with your ex boyfriend. Some men may not have a problem with women talking about their exes, but for the most part, most of them hate it, so it's best to avoid it.
Mistake #5: Not looking out for you.
Unless you have children, you are the most important thing in your relationship. Don’t confuse this with being selfish and using people! Just remember that just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you need to be a doormat for the other person, be subject to his or her whims, or put up with tedious arguments, mental or physical abuse, or insults.
Some people fall into the trap of thinking their job in the relationship is to be the other person’s servant, listening and obeying their every word in order for the relationship to work out. This couldn’t be further from the truth! Both partners should be in close equilibrium and balance each other. This relates to the previous mistake (never giving up your goals and passions for someone else).
Mistake #4: Having sexual relations on the first date.
There are some people who have sexual relations on the first date and are happily married, but they are the exception rather than the rule. It is best to avoid all forms of sexual relations on the first date simply because you don’t know the person completely. Just because you get along with someone, share similar interest in music, movies, careers, or share the same birthday does not mean that is the person you should have sexual relations with. Although the idea that sex is powerful and special is somewhat hackneyed in this day and age depending on your culture, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hold true.
You should be very careful with whom you share your precious body with. STD and AIDS cases are on the uproar. It’s an irreversible mistake as well. You can learn from your mistake and wish you didn’t sleep with him or her, but it’s irreversible. What if you find out the person you slept with is a child-molester, abuser, murderer, belongs to a gang, or manifest his or her true colors as a mean person? You have given him or her something that is special, unique, and will probably feel ashamed or even embarrassed. You will never forget him or her and this emotional baggage will always be a part of you.
It’s very interesting how as people get older, they generally wait longer till they have sexual relations with their new love interest. It's simply a result of sleeping with someone before they knew them then finally seeing their true colors. Generally, being the man is a jerk and the woman has been unrealistic and leaped without looking. Women ultimately have the power when it comes to sex. They are the gate-keepers for the most part, so the biggest responsibility is mostly placed on women to handle this powerful “weapon” carefully.
Many women have sexual relations the first time on a date just to get it out of the way, but as they progress onto other guys, they do it because they're afraid of losing him.
Slightly digressing, when women usually talk about their first sexual encounter being special, it doesn't really mean with a man they're in love with. They could mean after they've spent a fun day with their date that they'll always remember as such a happy day, having sex would make it a great memory as their first time.
This is one of the biggest reasons why so many women choose the wrong man, as they choose a man they have a lot of fun with and that is usually always trying to perform for their attention. Being able to have fun with a man seems to be the number one factor as to why a woman sleeps with her date so soon. This mistake applies mostly to women while they are still young, but can cross age boundaries.
Another thing to think about is that if most people slept with all the people they have dated, that would be a bit disturbing. Some people may not care, but many men and women would be disappointed, disgusted, or jealous knowing their future wife or husband has slept with all the people he or she has dated.
Mistake #3: Not being judgmental when selecting a partner for a long term relationship.
This may seem like a contradiction and strange to be listed in this book, but it’s not. Most of us have heard the phrase “Don’t judge.” You should not look at someone and make a snap decision on their character by basing it on superficial things as how much money they have, their race, their clothes, their job, etc. This is not what this section is pertaining to.
But, when it comes to finding someone you want to invest in a committed relationship with (and possibly have children with), you ABSOLUTELY need to judge where appropriate! People who talk about not judging people generally sleep around with many people they have regretted. It's important to be at least a little judgmental when making friends, but when you're looking for a committed relationship, you need to crank up the intensity of that judgment.
Judging is mental instinct. The less you judge people, the more you'll tend to associate with people that will make a negative impact on your life. Even if they're not evil people, you really don't want to be around people whose negativity smears off on you. When people stop judging others, it’s generally because they're in turmoil inside over their own mistakes even if they're not shameful. It simply has to be something that feels like a big mistake and it can put people into turmoil for years where they become indecisive about everything in their lives, not just the people they associate or sleep with.
This usually happens with most people some time during their twenties. It’s a natural part of life a lot of people go through; reflecting on what went wrong in the past and not realizing that it makes you indecisive about major and ordinary choices. It's like you just can't think clearly when the pressure is on because of big mistakes in the past. Finally when you're past the stressful situation, you're just worn out and your judgment isn't kicking in nearly as often it needs to.
It's easy to lose sight of who you are when trying to find someone, especially when you're lonely and meeting one person after another that things go great with for a while but always fail in the long run. The better way to put this is that you should be judgmental, just not overly superficial. This may sound strange, but people need to come to terms with their superficiality so they're not feeling guilty over being judgmental.
It's really okay to be superficial to some extent as long as it doesn't control you. For example, if you prefer to spend your life with someone who is in the same career field as you because of time conflicts (like two doctors marrying each other) and who likes to ride horses-this is not superficial.
It's also bad to ignore the superficial side of yourself because you'll be less judgmental or not judgmental at all and make bad choices. Some women definitely tend to shun that superficial side of themselves after getting burned a few times by pretty boys or the jerks with charm which is unhealthy because some become completely nonjudgmental from not listening to their superficial instincts. So, listen to it some, just don’t let it run the show.
Another important point to touch on that is related to this section: Don't let others influence your taste no matter what tactics they use. Morality, guilt, claiming you're superficial, etc. You know who you are and you know what you like and don't like. Let’s face it, if you like thin medium height guys with lots of body hair, then that's what you like. People let others antagonize and shame them about these things. What right does someone else think ethically about your taste matter? It doesn't!
It tends to be the case when members of the opposite gender that are interested in you and who know your preference will make you feel really bad for having it, if they don't match it. Be realistic: If you like really tall guys with big noses and a little extra weight, in the long run you won't be happy with a guy that's short with a small nose and thin. You may be a match everywhere else but ultimately, you won't be happy with this person and you'll be longing for someone else even if it takes you thirty years to come to terms with it.
Another thing that should be mentioned is that many people think they know what their taste is until they start dating or simply go through a few relationships. What are pleasing to their eyes aren’t always what they like in the long run; they just found some physical attribute appealing. You might love the way it looks but then get it and find out it's just not for you. There are people who fall into the category of appealing to everyone’s tastes physically, as some people just have certain looks and physical traits that appeal to almost everyone of the opposite gender. They are in the minority though.
A lot of people, particularly women, fool themselves and say that it doesn't matter. It’s odd that when skinny guys like really overweight women, they don't get attacked for being superficial because it's not the norm of society to look for obesity. But in actuality, it becomes an act of superficiality that they only want overweight women; it's just that few people cares! It's rare that someone completely overcomes the part of them that isn't interested in their partner’s physical attributes.
Mistake #2: Going into relationships thinking you can change the other person.
This is a mistake that women are notorious for making. The simple truth is that no one can change anyone else. You may be able to make a positive (or negative) impact on someone’s life, but certain aspects of people’s personalities are already set in stone and you won’t be able to change that. You can’t make anyone do something they don’t want to do.
If someone doesn’t want to work, you can’t make them get a job. Some women like to take the challenge of trying to make a man into something else, so that it shows a great reflection on herself, but it never works! It only ends in frustration, disappointment, anger, and bitterness. It all boils down to getting to know a person before you decide to commit to a relationship with him or her. If you can’t accept the person for who they are, don’t bother with him or her.
Mistake #1: Believing it's love at first sight or thinking he or she may be the “one” within a few months of dating!
This will account for why people under 25 years old have the highest divorce rate; because they simply thought it was love at first sight. The absolute truth is there is no such thing! The saying "lust at first sight" has become a parody of it for that reason. Well, actually, it really can be unconditional love at first sight, but it's not being in love because true love takes time.
Love is building around your relationship together. Unconditional love can be very reckless when you don't know the person, similar to having sexual relations with someone you don't know. The emotional impact of these irreversible mistakes sticks with you for a lifetime.
Many people confuse infatuation with love. It is a somewhat thin line when you’re basing it off of how you feel about the person. The key concept to remember with infatuation is that you can only see the positive sides the person has to offer, while ignoring all negatives. The raw truth is that it can take anywhere from one to five years (or more) to truly know a person. You are only seeing facets of which they want you to see when you both are together.
Just think of family members who were shocked when a family member was hiding a horrible secret from them for years. If the same people who have lived with their family and known them since childhood were shocked at who they were, your chances of truly knowing who someone is under a year is very slim. One of the main reasons why people rush into things is that many people fear being alone. This fear is one of the biggest contributors to driving people to rush into sleeping with someone, marriage, or other committed relationships.